Four Girls Later

How many times have you said or heard, “if i could do it all over I would…”? It wasn’t until fairly recently that I’ve learned I actually would in fact, not. That’s right, all of it, the good the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. All of it. I’d keep it all. 

Not for your typical answer either. This is not a “I don’t believe in living with regrets”, or a “God will use it all” post. No, this reason is not even that I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. Although all of these things are true, I think the single most incredible revelation is that I can look back through my life and see the ways in which I am uniquely made. It’s more easily highlighted my God-given destiny. And although happy places and desires can help show me that, I would venture to say the easiest markers can often be found in the struggle.

And when I say struggle, we all go through hardships and tough things. I’m talking about the things that have stuck to you. Not the universally crummy experiences, but the things that still stand out decades later. That one comment from a boy in fourth grade, the teacher in high school, a flippit comment from a parent. 

Let me illustrate. It is part of my destiny to be a mother. Motherhood is so much of who I am. In addition to motherhood, I have always had a desire to help young girls. Teens that are struggling. Young mothers. Little girls trying to find their identities. 

Rewind 20 years ago, I was a teenager babysitting for a reoccurring family. This particular day I was also babysitting their neighbors kids. I had permission to take them to the park, as I had many times before. My high school boyfriend came by and we drove to the park. The park was 2 blocks over and the kids and I sat in the back of his truck to get there. 

This did not go well. 

Although not much anymore, the area I grew up in was largely a rural agricultural county. Also, kids in truck beds did not become an enforced law until 2006 in NC. 

That Sara, she didn’t know it was wrong. As a 35-year-old woman, I can see all the ways in which this was a horrible idea. Looking back at that 15-year-old girl, I know that to her, riding in the back of the truck wasn’t unusual. In fact, I had done it multiple times with my own father. Although it seems dangerous and reckless now as a mother, that babysitter felt like she was being fun. 

The neighbor family gave me the money and went home. The mother came back; bursting through the door, took the money, called me names and then told me that I never belonged around children again.

You know what’s funny, I don’t even remember the names she called me… I don’t remember her name or her children’s… I don’t remember how much money it was. The only thing from that particular incident that I remember was that she said I never belonged around children. That stuck to me. That stuck in my soul for so long. As a matter of fact, even reliving this experience hurts my heart for the 15 year old girl that didn’t know any better. 

I had an incredible experience with a spiritual director that I am lucky enough to call friend. There was an exercise where I had a chance to map out and look over my life. What struck me was all of the times that something has deeply hurt me, all tied to this one idea. Children. Being a safe place for children. Being someone worthy of helping children. 

The bottom line, your greatest strengths and giftings will always be the easiest place for wounds. The things that hurt you more than they “should”, can be revelatory in revealing your destiny. There is a plan for your life. There always has been, it’s been there all along.

Shine your light. 

Xoxo,

Sara