Four Girls Later

Hey there friends, this mama has been rolling into this new year season with a lot of transition happening my way. Still some medical unknowns with my daughter, but I am hopeful for answers next week. In fact, it has been one medical thing after another it seems. It is a BIG week in our household next week, I’ll report back after I’ve gotten to the other side. For today however, I’m still stuck in summer. Anyone that knows me knows that I am crazy for the beach and am always being struck by revelation there. So, here’s yet another from the beach. Let me preface it to say, this is deeply personal, in fact most people that know me don’t actually know this. However, I am so freed from this time of my life that holding it in secret no longer feels necessary. In fact, I share this in hopes that it resonates with someone else, and they can find hope for their future. 

Have you ever had things in your past that you think you’ve completely healed from and then something small happens and the flood gates open? Memories unlocked. It is my belief that when something from your past seems to rear its head you need to linger with it. Maybe with family, a wise friend, or even a professional… but nonetheless it’s worth your time to ponder.

At our annual beach trip my husband and I rented a two-person kayak to take out while my parents watched our girls. It was so incredibly fun. I think we laughed more out there on those waves than we had laughed in a while. We went out a couple times, but my personal favorite is when the waves were quite rough, and our little boat caught air getting beyond the break. We quickly found that it was imperative to hit the waves exactly straight on, or we were going to be dumped into the sea. As we took the kayak out, I said, “aside from my SUP, I can’t remember the last time I paddled a boat.”. Insert years of military training… my husband began a left, right, left cadence. Apparently, there is no military training inside of me because I was easily distracted paddling on whichever side there was something intriguing to look at. At one point I heard him stop the cadence and lovingly say, “I’ll just follow your lead.”. Which actually meant I will be back here correcting your errors to get us going straight. 

We were great going out and staying out, but riding those waves in, was a different story. The first one caught us by surprise though. We were riding that wave in, both laughing like we were heading down splash mountain. Suddenly our boat began to turn and before we knew it, we flipped upside down and both landed beneath the boat. As I went down, I took a paddle to the face, I’m not sure if it was his or mine, but a paddle right across the side of the head, nonetheless. Thanks to our lifejackets we shot up like overdone popcorn kernels, both full of hysterical laughter. Johnny held the boat so I could jump back in, and we headed right back out to do it again. 

Then it came flooding back. The last time I had paddled a boat with someone. I was hit in the head that time too, but under very different circumstances. Many years ago, I was in an abusive relationship. I have reconciled what I thought were all the “memories” but every now and again, something arises from the recesses of my brain. I can no longer remember what I had done “wrong” that day. I can’t remember how the day ended and I can’t even remember pain. I do remember the look on his face as he did it and the fact that he had a friend in the boat with us that watched on. 

As my husband and I paddled back out to sea, I shared the memory that had just crept its way into our perfect day. He held space for me to share and listened as I recounted the parts I did remember. The beautiful thing is, after that, it was over. I got to look back ahead and fully trust that the person behind me was the single safest person in the world for me. I got to live in the moment of being bounced around by the sea while we laughed until our stomachs hurt. The best part, we got to ride those waves in all the way up to our four beautiful daughters playing on the shore. 

Today I am safe. Today I am loved. 

I hope that same thing for you friend. If you find yourself still hurting or still healing, you’ll get there. 

Shine your light.

Xoxo,

Sara