Four Girls Later

I am a self described bibliophile. I love all things books. I love reading, I love the feel of the binding in my hands, I love the smell when you open the pages, I love perusing book stores for hidden treasures. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I often use book analogies in my own life. 

I have recently found myself saying, on more than one occasion, that I think we just hit the second chapter of our marriage. I have no idea how many chapters will play out in the saga that is our lives, but I’m so excited for every one of them. Last winter we celebrated 12 years of what can only be described as magic. It has been the thing I am most proud of to date. Most of the time it has been so easy and come so naturally. Occasionally it’s been really hard, the kind of hard that says let’s fight for this beautiful thing. It’s been both. They have existed simultaneously playing a beautiful symphony with each other. 

I’m not sure how 12 years constitutes the number two for me, but the second chapter has indeed begun. 

I would say the first chapter of our marriage has mostly been marked by kiddos. If you were to search the “find on this page” feature of our first chapter the word most used would be child, even from the start. My husband had two sons when we got married and although we very much lived in newlywed bliss, so much time was spent trying to figure out where I fit in there. Total truth, I still haven’t figured it all out. Which has been made far more challenging by the physical distance. I wanted so much to be someone that they would always know is in their corner, someone to support their parents in raising them, someone that loves them. Y’all, 23 year old me made a lot of mistakes. Shoot, I’m still making mistakes.

35 year old me still has feelings though, we don’t just lose those in motherhood. I think the desire to be seen, valued, and loved is a fundamental feeling wanted by all. Out of respect for them and their mother I will always try not to share too much here about that. At the end of the day though… those things that I wanted for them over a decade ago are still true. I love them. I will always be in their corner. My desire is to support their parents in any way I can. 

Two short years after our love story began, came our oldest daughter. One then became two and before I knew it two girls became three and then, you guessed it, in 9 years… we had 4 beautiful girls. 

My husband has loved me so well through every stage of that. He’s made me feel strong and capable. He’s made me feel like a fantastic mother. He has led in a way that always made me feel like I was crushing it, even when he was trying to encourage positive changes. He’s held my hand and wiped my tears. He’s made me feel beautiful, even when my body is unrecognizable to me. My very favorite is that he’s laughed with me. There has been so much laughter. 

Chapter two snuck up on me. My youngest is now two, and realizing she’s the last one somehow has been the push into the next new thing. What I didn’t realize was that for the last decade my spouse loving me well has meant loving me in the role of mama. Getting my favorite foods while pregnant. Reminding me to push fluids while nursing sweet babies. Pacing the floor rocking a colicky baby so I get a break. Not eating allergens in solidarity for our baby, even though it’s pointless. Booking me a visit to the local spa for me time and quiet. Encouraging me to go on a shopping spree when nothing comfortably fits. If it involves caring for a pregnant, new mom to toddler mom, this man has done it, and he’s done it well. 

Earlier in the year I got food poisoning. It’s safe to say that it was the sickest I’ve ever been. After several days I was pretty seriously dehydrated and my husband came home from work to take me to the doctor. He cared for kids, kept schedules running, and quite literally helped me get well. After fluids and shots, I was a new woman. The next day he called me in the morning and when I answered he said, “oh I’m so glad you answered, how are you feeling? Do you need me to come home?”. This is going to sound silly but I felt so incredibly cared for by that man. It was more than just filling in the gaps with 4 kiddos and a sick mom. It was him caring for me. And you know what, he’s been doing that the whole time. It’s me that’s changed. It’s me that realizes I’m a whole person a part from taking care of babies. It’s me that has emerged from the baby fog excited to watch these four women grow with my best friend. It’s me that’s embracing being cared for.

You always hear about how fun each stage of parenting is. Maybe we need to start reminding each other there’s new stages for us, too. And new feels pretty good. 

Shine your light. 

Xoxo, 

Sara